Between The Cultures

The other day I talked to my cousin who also married a non-German and doesn't live in Germany. "Could you imagine to move back to your home town?" This simple question is not quite so simple. We talked about this weird stage between the cultures that only those who are in it understand. Yeah, we miss our home country. But moving back would never be the same as it was. We've simply learned too many new things, had to adapt and therefore changed. We are not the same. Time has moved on over there - without us. I mean the digital age helps a lot to be updated on the lives of friends and family, music, film and politics - but it's only an update and not an experience. I'm looking forward to visiting Germany in September to get a "real" face-to-face update - drive my Dad's new car, see my cousin's baby boy (who will probably be walking by the first time I get to see him), hanging out with the family, meeting an old friend for coffee in Stuttgart down town. But the matter of fact is: I'm just visiting. I'm not a part of it any more. I'm still a German citizen but I'm also an American resident. I know, relationships changed when I first spend 6 months overseas and then moved away to study. But this time it's different. I used to come "home" from my trips. Now I'm visiting what used to be "home". Well, you got a new home now, right? Right, technically at least. I mean what is home? I'm coming to think that it is a place in one's heart reserved for the ones and the things you love. I remember the times when I studied and spent a few months at school, a few months at my parent's to work and a few months to visit my hubby-to-be. It felt like having three homes, all combined in a suitcase. Yeah, I have a home here. I have a husband who loves me. I brought most of my personal belongings that mean a lot to me over here. But why does my heart still feel lonely - more or less at times? I have a social security number, a CA driver's license and my 10-year green card should be in the mail any day. But does that mean I belong here? I'm an alien, legal, yeah, but foreign. The American way of life is not familiar to me. The longer I'm here the more I learn to "fit" in, but it seems to be a long road and still I'm reminded every day that I'm not from here, that I'm different. The scary thing is to realize that when I visit my home country, I'm different, too. Once you start crossing borders and learn to love different people and places your heart will have to live with longing. Because in this world you will never have all those desires met at the same time in the same place. It's the price you pay for widening your horizon and learning new ways. It makes life richer but at the same time it makes you aware of the things you love and miss. Ways of life. Familiarity. It's the tension between the excitement of the new and the security of the known. The questions the heart has to deal with are: Where do I belong? Where do I fit in? Who am I? The heart wants I clear answer because it doesn't like to deal with the tension. There are those who live in a foreign country but within their own community like Chinatown. And there are those who completely deny their background for whatever reasons and completely adapt to their host country. I think both these answers give the heart a sense of satisfaction, it seems to be the quicker and easier way out. But I also think something is lost that way. I want to have the courage to not "fit" into the given categories. Why do I have to decide to either be German or American (I'm not talking about citizenship here)? Why can't I just be a German residing in California? Yeah, why can't I? I can, if I decide to go the hard way, to tolerate the tension, to allow the process of my own identity formation between the cultures, to be different. And if I decide to hope that something new, rich and beautiful will merge out of this struggle. I carry my "home" within me.