Holiday Traditions: NIKOLAUS or SANTA CLAUS?

What are traditions? As children we love them although we don't know they are traditions yet. When I was a teenager I thought they were old fashioned, rigid and simply uncool. It is interesting how things change the older you get and how a need to obtain traditions arises once faced with foreign traditions and a lack of familiar traditions.
Let me tell you about some of my favorite Christmas traditions.
advent,
wreath, worship songs, grandpa, quiet lights, gingerbread, Christmas markets,
Weihnachten = holy night , besinnlich, advent Nikolaus day


In my family the focus was ....creative gifts, apreciation. I don't think I ever believed that the "Chrirstkind" had brought gifts. We were taught that Christ was the gift to the world, that's why we give gifts to each other as a symbol.
 24 th intimate family, 25 grandmas b-day, relatives.


 Not surprisingly Christmas in the "new world" is a blend of European and other customs. The Christmas tree was introduced by German settlers. The stockings on the chimney are British heritage.
coca cola
cookies and milk
songs more seculary
lights colorful, more like summer party, people dress up with ornaments and ugly sweaters, reminds me more of carnival. Honestly I find a lot of decorations completely overdone, cheesy, geschmacklos
 greed, biggest gifts, everybody opens the same time, shopping sales the next day, comercialized
(photo of cheesy stuff)
cookies w frosting

 The biggest difference: Who brings the gifts on Christmas?!
I remember being completely jet-lagged and watching the 3D version of the "Polar Express" during one of my trips to CA. I could not understand how everybody was so excited about the movie because I was just wondering the whole time what the elves had to do with Santa. The idea of actual elves helping Santa to make toys and wrap gifts was just too weird to me.  For those of you who don't know: in the US Christmas has more to do with Disneyland and magic than with the biblical report and Christian symbols. I mean since when do reindeer fly? And did you know that you have to put out milk and cookies for Santa to bribe him to stop at your house? Oh, and by the way,  he lives at the North pol the rest of the year. The so-called "Christmas songs" reflect that as well. They have mostly secular contents about snow, winter, family,emotions and gifts.

As you can imagine quite a challenge to form our own family tradition of two so opposite approaches to Christmas. It seems like whatever traditions you grew up with make you "feel like it's Christmas" and if they are missing it just doesn't feel right. And in our case it's not just a variation in family customs but also a different cultural version.

So, which story are we going to tell our children? Probably the nativity story!
Differences summed up:
story
Christkind -Elves
Nikolaus - Santa Claus

decorations

cookies
 gingerbread, almonds nuts, spices, chocolate - artificial colored sugar frosting, super sweet fudge

songs
 originally Christian songs - seasons songs (it's all about being PC, right? I'm surprised they still allow the word "Christ" in Christmas)
level of commercialism

MARRIAGE: Celebrate the Differences!

MARRYING ACROSS CULTURES
3 YWAM Love Stories & 7 Suggestions for Cross-Cultural Couples  
~By Larry Ballard

What do you get when you mix thousands of single young people from over 130 different nations into a global missions movement? A lot of cross-cultural marriages! God, who loves diversity, has blessed YWAM with many cross-cultural marriages that are healthy and satisfying.

Most people assume cross-cultural marriages contain many pitfalls and difficulties. In fact, one YWAM leader who had seen too many cross-cultural relationships end in disaster said that such marriages should be banned in YWAM! Another YWAM leader told one of his staff members from a developed nation that if she married a certain YWAM leader from a developing nation, she would "end up living in a cardboard box under a bridge," even though this man was an established national leader in his country, was well-educated, and had worked professionally prior to joining YWAM. However, a cross-cultural marriage, in the words of one couple, "broadens you as a person, brings into your life the richness and diversity of another culture, and helps you to identify some of your own cultural bondages." Another couple stated that their children "grew up bilingual, had the option of living in more than one culture, and are comfortable in any situation." "Being able to celebrate traditions from both cultures," was another benefit stated by a different cross-cultural couple.

In one sense, every marriage is cross-cultural, since we all come from different families of origin with a variety of values and beliefs. Thus, two people may have grown up in the same village, spoken the same language, attended the same school, and yet have very different beliefs and values. However, YWAM has a high percentage of couples that come from cultures that are significantly different from each other. The greater the distance between the cultures of the couple, the more diverse the cultural expectations regarding marriage will be. Thus an Anglo-American marriage or a Dutch-Swiss marriage will probably have fewer misunderstandings and major adjustments than a Chinese-Nigerian marriage.

These diverse cross-cultural marriages will encounter some unique challenges and require lots of understanding, communication, patience and grace. "Understanding takes the longest," said one couple, "and in a cross-cultural marriage you have to work twice as hard at understanding one another." Proverbs 4:7 says, "Whatever you get, get understanding." James 1:19 counsels, "Be slow to speak and quick to listen." According to one couple, "When something strikes you as odd or your partner's behavior seems confusing, be slow to make judgments or draw conclusions. Instead, ask your partner to explain why they are responding in a certain way."

Another cross-cultural YWAM couple said, "You must be willing to change. You need to have your identity anchored in the Lord and not in your culture for the marriage to succeed. If you have issues with your culture, are running away from your culture, or are holding on too tightly to your culture, these factors hinder your ability to develop intimacy in your marriage."

Issues and Challenges:
Different assumptions and expectations
Couples that enter a cross-cultural marriage bring into their relationship vastly different assumptions and expectations about marriage and family life. Many of these assumptions flow out of the values, unspoken rules and belief systems that permeate their primary cultures. These unspoken values have become so much a part of their lives that they are almost hidden from view. In fact, many of these cultural differences do not surface until after a couple starts planning their wedding, encounters a significant crisis, has their first child, or relocates to a different culture.

Planning a wedding together forces a bride and groom to consider what traditions they will incorporate into their ceremony. Once married, a crisis may cause one or both of them to revert back to the behavioral patterns they developed as they grew up. The arrival of children into their marriage brings up the issue of education, religious orientation, the language children will learn, and the role of the extended family in the lives of the children. If a couple meets each other and develops their relationship in the woman's culture, for example, and then, at a future date, moves to the man's culture, they may encounter issues they never knew existed previously.

Cultural heritage forms our view of what we consider normal and familiar. For Christians, it also affects our interpretation of biblical truth. We often view Bible passages through the grid of our cultural eyeglasses. Thus, when we encounter something outside our culture that appears different and unfamiliar, we can wrongly assume that this unfamiliar belief or behavior is wrong or unscriptural. It can be shocking for a newly married person to discover that her partner (who loves the Lord, believes the Bible and is a YWAM staff member), has a very different understanding of male/female roles, child discipline, decision making, financial stewardship, and extended family commitments than she has.

One couple spoke of the conflicts they encountered due to the fact that, in his culture, women handled all the finances for the family, while in hers, it was expected that the men managed that area. Another wife said, "I didn't feel like a woman," when her husband did the shopping and took care of most of the cooking. Yet another woman spoke of her struggle relating to her husband's family who expected them to be at their house every Sunday, spending the day with all the other extended family members. She saw his family as intrusive and enmeshed. She felt they were negative and critical of other people, since they spent much of their time talking about people outside the family.

Her husband could not understand why she was so upset and wondered why she resisted spending time building close relationships with his family. He didn't view his family's conversations as negative or critical. Rather, he saw his family as caring, concerned, and open. He, on the other hand, was uncomfortable in her family since they hardly spoke a word to one another during those rare occasions when they did get together.

Extended Family Issues
Nothing seems to affect cross-cultural marriages more deeply than a husband and wife's relationships with each other's extended families. "Understanding the family values and beliefs of each other's families is critical," said one couple. One wife was shocked to learn that her mother-in-law expected to move in with them for 30 days prior to the birth of their first child in order to run the household and care for the new grandchild. Some families expect their son or daughter to work and send money back home to support the extended family living in a developing country. Other families expect the oldest son to care for his parents in their latter years and to allow his mother to live with him and his family should his father die.

If couples have not faced these issues or understood them prior to their marriage, enormous misunderstandings and conflicts can surface when these family expectations begin to surface. A man, for example, might not be able to understand why his wife is so unwilling to accept something that everyone in his culture accepts as right and normal. A woman, on the other hand, might be horrified when her husband expects her to endure certain impositions in her life that seem unreasonable and unfair.

Husband/wife loyalties can often come into conflict with parent/child loyalties when some of these extended family expectations emerge. Some cultures place a higher value on parent/child loyalties than they do on husband/wife loyalties. In such a cross-cultural marriage, the couple may be surprised to find out that their understanding of Genesis 2:24 is not the same. They individually approach the issue of leaving father and mother on the basis of different values and different models learned from their own families.

Recommendations for cross-cultural couples
1. Consider the cost
Jesus warned us in Luke 14 to consider the cost of following Him. We need to make sure we are prepared to persevere to the end. Many people start well, but don't finish well. Entering into a cross-cultural marriage is a life-changing decision, and there are special challenges associated with such a relationship. "Most couples do not take enough time preparing for a cross-cultural marriage," said one couple who had waited two years before they were married. Another young couple from different cultures met on a King's Kids outreach and were immediately attracted to each other. They sought the Lord, began a relationship, and within four months of meeting each other got married. "If we had it to do over, we would take more time getting to know each other and each other's families," they said. "It would have made our adjustment into marriage much easier if we had waited at least a year."

2. Think long-term
Take your time; don't be hasty! Make sure of your guidance and seek counsel from others. Make sure you have thought through the implications of a life-long union to this person. Ask the hard questions. Don't assume that just because you both love the Lord, are YWAMers, and are called to missions that everything will work out fine. Consider the implications of moving to your partner's culture in the future or the implications of leaving YWAM in the future. Are you prepared to learn your partner's language and raise your children in close proximity to his extended family? Such a possibility may seem very remote at the present moment, but things change over time and you might find yourself facing a situation you didn't anticipate.

3. Spend time with each other's family and in each other's culture
Make sure you have a love and respect for your partner's culture. Live in each other's culture long enough in order to pick up some of the unspoken values of that culture. Observe how your partner's parents treat each other. Their interaction will give you insights into what you can expect from your partner after you are married. It is also important to see how your partner behaves in her own culture. She may treat you very differently when she is with her own people than she does when she is living outside her culture. Remember, when you marry someone, you don't just marry the person, you marry their family and their culture!

4. Get some premarital counseling
Talk to other couples in cross-cultural marriages. Ask them to tell you their story. Find out what challenges they faced. Seek out their advice and see what recommendations they may have for you. Ask the Lord to give you a mentor couple that understands cross-cultural issues and spend time with them, examining the issues that concern you. Read books. Listen to tapes. Attend seminars. Utilize every possible resource you can find to help get your marriage off to a good start.

5. Be accountable and confirm the Word of the Lord
Don't let your emotions run away with you. "Most couples marry a fantasy and not a real person," said a couple with a 20-year cross-cultural marriage. "They fantasize about having children with blue eyes or they dream about the excitement of finding a partner with features distinctive from their own culture." Listen to the counsel and input of those who know you best: your parents, YWAM leaders, your pastor, mentors and close friends. What do they see? What are they saying? Are they voicing cautions or concerns to you? These people provide some much-needed objective feedback regarding this decision that is going to affect the rest of your life.

6. Make sure you have a common "heart language"
Marriage is the most intimate human relationship in life. You both have to be fluent enough in one of your native tongues or else in a third language to be able to express your deepest thoughts, emotions and heart's desires to one another. If there is no common "heart language," your marriage will suffer and you will have difficulty understanding each other and maintaining your intimacy.

7. Discover and celebrate your cultural difference.
Diversity is one of the joys of a cross-cultural marriage. "Our differences have enriched us and broadened our lives," said one couple. The weaknesses in your culture can be balanced by the strengths in your partner's culture. No culture is perfect and without flaw, and each culture has a deposit of precious treasures. If God has called you into a cross-cultural marriage, he will use your partner's culture to be a balance and blessing to you. He gives good gifts and He knows the kind of person and the kind of culture that is a perfect complement to you. Trust Him to help you overcome the special challenges that are associated with such a marriage. Believe Him to make the two of you into a complementary team, "so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ" (Romans 15:6).

You have an opportunity to serve the Lord as a team and to demonstrate to others the biblical model of how Christ can give people unity in the midst of diversity. The cultural diversity in your marriage can bring into your life a new perspective and a depth of understanding that will enhance the effectiveness of your ministry to the nations. You also have the privilege of experiencing a foretaste of that future day when people from every tribe, and tongue, and nation will be gathered together around the throne of God worshiping the Lamb.

Larry is the International Director of YWAM's Family Ministries. 
You can reach him at familyministry@netzero.net.
Date: 6/1/2006  |  Source: International YWAMer  |  Issue: IYJun06
© Copyright 2004 • Youth With A Mission International Communications

The Challenge to Adapt

As a psychology student I remember studying Piaget's constructivist theory of learning - the concept of assimilation and accommodation as the two different ways in which we adapt to our environment. A baby for example assimilates to sucking on a bottle by simply applying what worked with the mother's breast. The new experience is incorporated into an already existing framework without having to change that framework. In order for the baby to learn how to hold that bottle it needs to develop a new skill it needs to accommodate. The representation of the external world needs to be reframed so it fits the new experiences which happens via trial and error, we learn by our (or other's) mistakes. Cultural adaptation to me often feels like having to learn things from scratch like a baby which can be kind of frustrating at 30 years old. Just think about all the different situations of everyday life: writing a resume, using a ATM, making an appointment on the phone, getting gas, having guests over, buying groceries, greeting somebody, ordering food, writing a check (I haven't seen anybody write a check since I was 8 years old!), driving a car ... . In many of those situations we just follow automated behavior without even consciously thinking about what we are doing. We expect the world to operate that way. Now imagine that in those situations you use your "normal" behavioral skills as usual and all of a sudden your expectation keeps being violated. It's not working anymore. You start to notice that somethings is wrong, either about the world or your approach to it. You need to learn a new skill that might not fit your former framework of thinking and doing life AT ALL. You might have to analyze automated behavior and UNLEARN it which is even harder to do and requires more alertness than learning a new behavior. Sounds too abstract? Driving a car for example includes many automated actions. Do you have any idea how long it took me to not freak out about cars overtaking me on the right every other second (big no no in Germany)? Ask my husband : ) I had to learn to check the mirrors and turn my head differently than I was used to and force myself to be alert to that. That meant no distraction, music or phone conversations for me in the beginning. Another thing I still catch myself not being alert enough to, is when it comes to intersections that are regulated with the stop signs on all 4 (!) sides. I am used to simple look to my right and go if it's clear. Right of way is regulated VERY differently in Germany. It's hard to force myself to look in all 4 directions, especially in the morning when I'm not quite awake yet. So only by making mistakes you find out that you need to adapt. The challenge is that that if you avoid making mistakes you will prolong the adaptation process. But who likes to make mistakes - daily? Several times! Mistakes can be dangerous or at least embarrassing. Especially when you don't look like a foreigner and you didn't just move here yesterday. I guess the hardest accommodation needs to happen in our mind that keeps wanting to connect our self-esteem to our success rate. The other accommodation needs to happen in our heart: it can be quite humbling to "perform" a behavior just because that's how it works (and you need it to work to live here) that does not match your internal convictions, values and logic. Now the challenge is to either surrender or come up with a creative solution - and concern what the better option is depending on the situation. In matters of driving I surrendered my behavior while still being convinced that the German way gets people to their destination more quickly and more safe ... and maybe would have saved the the state of California from bankruptcy - those stop signs are expensive : )

English Classes versus Real Life Classes

Lately in the supermarket when the cashier mumbled "What up?" and the bagger mumbled "Help out?" I was proud of myself for actually getting what they said quicker than usual and without having to put on my "what-was-that-confused-look". On my way back I was thinking about how my English teacher back at school used to scold students who would offer a two word sentence as an answer to a question with "Make an intelligent sentence, please!" Well, I leave it at that.

The other day in a therapy session one of my clients was using some slang. I just nodded as I figured the meaning of the word wouldn't change the story but since we are working on co-dependence issues she took good care of me asking if I knew what this word means and explained it to me : )

To be continued...

The Power of a Flower

The city I grew up in has about 50.000 residents. It is 20 min away from Stuttgart, 600.000 residents. European cities usually have a historic center like a former market place or palace court. These car-free zones with their outdoor malls, boutiques, fountains, theaters, restaurants, bars, clubs and bistros draw people to enjoy their leisure time in a picturesque ambient. Webcam Stuttgart So now I'm in Los Angeles. 4 million residents. I remember the lesson a "friendly" immigration officer at the airport once taught me. You know these green forms visitors have to fill out and give the address of where they are staying? I had put the adress where I was staying and for city I had put "Los Angeles, Sherman Oaks". I thought it was all called LA with different suburbs. Wrong. Can't believe Germany doesn't include that in the curriculum at school. Sorry Mr. Officer if I offended you by being so unsophisticated. At least you didn't need to call the airport translator to talk to me. Okay, I got a bit sidetracked here. My point is, this lesson is taking longer to learn than I thought. I'm still trying to figure out the picture of LA as a city in my head. You know, like when I think of Sydney for example, I have a coherent picture of the bay, the opera house, the bridge, Darling Habour. That's down town. I guess the European brain is structured in a way that it is always looking for the city center (shape of a circle) even in the smallest town, that's where people go for entertainment. Down town Sherman Oaks, however, consists of a view blocks on Ventura Blvd. For the city fair the have to block the 4-lane street (shape of a line)! So I figured out that the different cities that are part of LA area are not suburbs - for the record - even when most of them don't appear like separate cities with visible city limits. So within this huge mass of connecting concrete there are different city centers with quite different feels: Down town LA is home of the financial district and a lot of missions to reach the homeless of Skid Row. Hollywood is where people go out if they want the craziness. Santa Monica's 3rd street has a bit of the European feel to it, we should go there more often. Pasadena Old town comes close except there are no pedestrian zones. Malibu is nice to go hiking or find a secluded beach. And of course there is Chinatown, home to the Chinese new year parade and cheap markets. Then there is Little Mexico, I mean Van Nuys and Panorama City - best Walmart freak-show ever. I'm told that more places to avoid are Pomona and Compton if you don't want to get shot. Can't believe I applied for a job where I would have had to do house visits in those areas with drug-addicted gang members! etc. So you can see I am on my way to figuring in all out. What didn't take me long to figure out is that I am a person who needs visual beauty around me to survive. Beauty is healing to our soul. Have you ever wondered why we give flowers to the grieving? In Germany graveyards are beautiful flower-gardens. In midst of the concrete jungle with its multi-lane streets full of wholes and decorated with pieces of blown up tires and other trash on the sides, its ugly grey box-shaped buildings, the sensory overload of blinking and flashing advertisements, billboards and signs as far as you can see, I try to find something for my spirit to rest. What saved me when we lived in our old apartment was our little balcony next to a big maple tree. Since we lived on the 2nd floor I had a bit of a view on the mountains (at least on clear days, aka in winter). I planted some flowers and decorated the place. And I saved the palm tree that my husband had brought into our marriage (he considered it dead) but I was determined to give it another chance and after a lot of patience and care I watched my "tree of hope" grow. I like walking through neighborhoods with colorful gardens and colonial style houses. I smell the sweet fragrance of the jasmine on my patio. I watch the humming bird outside at the pool and try to ignore the power lines in the background. When I'm stuck in traffic in the morning I look at the sun over the (sometimes snow topped) mountains. I do something creative. And sometimes God gives me an extra gift when one of my cacti develops a beautiful red flower for a day. And I try to get away from the visuals and noises of the city as often as possible. I don't find it easy to find those places though. Being used to run around a quiet lake in the forest, the experience of running around lake Balboa on a paved track covered with duck poop and overcrowded by masses of people was rather disappointing. North Hollywood park has dirt tracks but it's right next to the highway and my allergies have gotten bad enough since I moved here. So I'm happy when we make it to the beach, the mountains, Descanso gardens or Santa Barbara. I think Paul sums it up pretty well:

Philippians 4:8 ⁸Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. (NIV)

As I said, I'm working on it. Or maybe I should say, I let Him work on it : )

^{Philippians 3:12 12}Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. (NIV)

Culture Shock: Overview

"Migration is so disruptive that it seems to add an entire extra stage on the life cycle for those who must negotiate it (Hernandez & McGoldrick, 2005). Adjusting to a new culture is not a single event, but rather a prologued developmental process (Falicov, 2002) that affects family members differently, depending on their life cycle phase when they are going through the process (p.25). (McGoldrick, M., Giordano, J., & Garcia-Preto, N. (Eds.). (2005). Ethnicity and family therapy (3rd ed.). New York: Guilford Press.)

"Failure to identify cultural issues and take action can lead to culture shock. Often, the symptoms are ignored or simply not recognized."

CULTURE SHOCK
The term, culture shock, was introduced for the first time in 1958 to describe the anxiety produced when a person moves to a completely new environment. This term expresses the lack of direction, the feeling of not knowing what to do or how to do things in a new environment, and not knowing what is appropriate or inappropriate. The feeling of culture shock generally sets in after the first few weeks of coming to a new place.

We can describe culture shock as the physical and emotional discomfort one suffers when coming to live in another country or a place different from the place of origin. Often, the way that we lived before is not accepted as or considered as normal in the new place. Everything is different, for example, not speaking the language, not knowing how to use banking machines, not knowing how to use the telephone and so forth.

The symptoms of cultural shock can appear at different times. Although, one can experience real pain from culture shock; it is also an opportunity for redefining one's life objectives. It is a great opportunity for leaning and acquiring new perspectives. Culture shock can make one develop a better understanding of oneself and stimulate personal creativity.
(http://edweb.sdsu.edu/people/CGuanipa/cultshok.htm)

DEFINITIONS
Culture Shock is an emotional and physiological state induced by moving from one culture to another. It is a slowly advancing, nearly unnoticed psychological phenomenon which affects one's whole way of thinking about himself and others. It is stress caused by living in a cultural situation in which the cues are misleading because the learned responses are wrong for the cues or no responses have been learned at all (Loss 1983, 57, 58).

Culture Shock is the discomfort you feel in a new environment when you encounter people and processes that don't fit your understanding. The feeling of threat leads to withdrawal, fear, resentment and even disgust. (Kalb and Welch. Moving Your Family Overseas, 1992)

“the result of being overwhelmed by major life changes to established patterns without usual support systems.” (http://www.travelwithyourkids.com/moving-abroad/?c=Culture-Shock)

STAGES OF CULTURE SHOCK:
Culture shock has many stages. Each stage can be ongoing or appear only at certain times.
First stage:
Incubation/Honeymoon - Everything is new and exciting
Second stage:
Frustration in trying to adapt - Feeling impatient, frustrated, incompetent, angry
Third stage:
The turning point - Gaining understanding, feeling positive or returning home
Fourth stage:
Integration - Recognizing new culture has good and bad things to offer. Sense of belonging.
Fifth stage:
Re-entry shock - Difficulty returning to ones' own culture. Things are no longer the same.

These stages are present at different times and each person has their own way of reacting in the stages of culture shock. As a consequence, some stages will be longer and more difficult than others. Many factors contribute to the duration and effects of culture shock. For example, the individual's state of mental health, type of personality, previous experiences, socio-economic conditions, familiarity with the language, family and/or social support systems, and level of education.
(http://www.culturalsavvy.com/culture_shock.htm)


SYMPTOMS
Negative Results/Effects of unchecked Culture Shock/Stress:
*Depression
*Withdrawal
*Fatigue
*Anger
*Loneliness
*Critical / Blame shifting
*Irritability
*Loss of self-esteem
*Discouragement
*Anxiety, Fear
*Loss of sense of humor
(from the Script of Missionary Internship, Box 457, Farmington, MI 48024)

* Sadness, loneliness, melancholy
* Preoccupation with health
* Aches, pains, and allergies
* Insomnia, desire to sleep too much or too little
* Changes in temperament, depression, feeling vulnerable, feeling powerless
* Anger, irritability, resentment, unwillingness to interact with others
* Identifying with the old culture or idealizing the old country
* Loss of identity
* Trying too hard to absorb everything in the new culture or country
* Unable to solve simple problems
* Lack of confidence
* Feelings of inadequacy or insecurity
* Developing stereotypes about the new culture
* Developing obsessions such as over-cleanliness
* Longing for family
* Feelings of being lost, overlooked, exploited or abused
(http://edweb.sdsu.edu/people/CGuanipa/cultshok.htm)

COPING WITH CULTURAL DIFFERENCE
Inevitable Facts of Life Abroad:
frustration, confusion, tension, embarrassment

Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms:
*Attack: Increased effort/activity, compensation, reinterpretation, rationalization, compromise
*Blame-assigning
*Attention-diverting
*Flight: repression, regression, daydreaming, withdrawal

Approach: suspicion, fear, prejudice
Results: Alienation, Isolation

Coping Skills:
*Observing
*Listening
*Inquiring

Approach: openness, acceptance, trust
Results: rapport, understanding

(Copyright: Missionary Internship, Box 457, Farmington, Mi 48024)

CULTURE SHOCK AND SELF-ESTEEM
Culture shock/stress is a consistent and severe attack on your self-worth and self-esteem!

Our view of our value or worth (self-esteem) must be based on some assessment other than our own in order to be valid to us in times of testing. In other words, if my assessment of my worth is based on what I think of myself, then Satan will have a heyday tearing it to shreds! So I strive to find my worth (or have my value affirmed) outside myself. I can search for and find that affirmation in many places: in my role, in my work, in my family, from my friends, etc. But because these affirmations are all conditional, my striving will never cease.

I can never feel confident in my worth as long as it is dependent on how I perceive others feel about me or how I feel I am doing. My self-esteem will ride the roller-coaster of my emotions which are subject to every change in my circumstances. Culture stress often brings my emotions to the very depths as my relationships are minimal and my accomplishments non-existent.

I must have an unchanging, positive assessment of my value in order to withstand the storms of life and especially culture stress. There is only one true accurate, unchanging high value assessment of my worth. That is the value God has assigned to me in Jesus Christ.

PRACTICAL STEPS TO SURVIVAL AND THRIVING
*Don't try to change the culture
* Set reasonable expectations
*Don't take your work too seriously
*Remember you are human
*Be flexible
*Forgive yourself and others
*Express your thoughts and feelings
*Look for friendships with host culture people
*Keep some of your own culture
*Stay committed to Joy (Gal. 5:22) and thankfulness (1 Thess. 5:8)
*Reduce stress where possible
*Take courage, someone understands perfectly
(from the Script of Missionary Internship, Box 457, Farmington, MI 48024 - Thank you Zsofi!)

More ways to combat stress produced by culture shock are:
* Develop a hobby
* Don't forget the good things you already have!
* Remember, there are always resources that you can use
* Be patient, the act of immigrating is a process of adaptation to new situations. It is going to take time
* Learn to be constructive. If you encounter an unfavorable environment, don't put yourself in that position again. Be easy on yourself.
* Don't try too hard.
* Learn to include a regular form of physical activity in your routine. This will help combat the sadness and loneliness in a constructive manner. Exercise, swim, take an aerobics class, etc.
* Relaxation and meditation are proven to be very positive for people who are passing through periods of stress
* Maintain contact with your ethnic group. This will give you a feeling of belonging and you will reduce your feelings of loneliness and alienation
* Maintain contact with the new culture. Learn the language. Volunteer in community activities that allow you to practice the language that you are learning. This will help you feel less stress about language and useful at the same time.
* Allow yourself to feel sad about the things that you have left behind: your family, your friends, etc.
* Recognize the sorrow of leaving your old country. Accept the new country. Focus your power on getting through the transition.
* Pay attention to relationships with your family and at work. They will serve as support for you in difficult times.
* Establish simple goals and evaluate your progress.
* Find ways to live with the things that don't satisfy you 100%.
* Maintain confidence in yourself. Follow your ambitions and continue your plans for the future.
* If you feel stressed, look for help. There is always someone or some service available to help you. You may want to check out Information and Resources.
(http://edweb.sdsu.edu/people/CGuanipa/cultshok.htm)

"New" Trend: Going Green

There is a new trend in LA! Within the last few months I could literally watch how one store after another started selling reusable bags. Don't get me wrong, I really really appreciate this development. In green terms the US seems to be a "developing"country. I'm sorry if this sounds arrogant but I will be turning 30 next year and I grew up reusing bags or bringing a basket to the store, using energy saving light bulbs, switching off lights in unused room, not running an empty dishwasher...you get the point. So can somebody please tell me what's so new about all this?

And what has a green attitude to do with liberalism?? I grew up in a conservative household! It is amazing to me how black and white American politics are. What does recycling have to do with socialism and gay rights?? After world war II Germany was rebuilt on social-capitalism. So that's a basic like democracy. And by now all the major parties (conservative, labor, liberal and green) realized that saving resources ant protecting the environment is not a choice but a necessity.

Probably a year ago I read in a Christian magazine an article that "introduced" the idea that protecting the environment is a Christian thing to do and suggested practical steps to do that like unplugging machines while their are not used and switching of the water while brushing your teeth. I was in shock. REALLY! Why would that NOT be a Christian thing to do?? Just because Christians in the US are associated with the conservative party and therefore they can't embrace a so very "liberal" idea like recycling?

A couple of suggestions from an experienced "environmentalist" (no, I don't consider myself a tree-hugger or green peace activist) to speed up the development:
- stop giving out free bags period; people only learn when they have to pay
- put a higher deposit on bottles, the economy doesn't seem to be bad enough for people to recycle a bottle for 5 cents
- develop a more convenient system to return bottles and cans -the few places that take them back (at leat where we live) have ridiculous opening hours
- don't allow the car industry to develop cars that don't qualify for certain environmental standards
- start seeing the connection between our health and protecting the environment! Ever heard of the link between the air quality and asthma, allergies...?
- learn form cities that have a functioning effective public transport system! Do you really think the car pool lane changes anything (I thought it was a joke when I first learned about it)
- some things will only change if there are state regulations with a strict follow-through, sorry if that hurts the sense of independence of some conservatives who are haunted by the fear of socialism (which is not the same as communism by the way and also NOT the system Germany is run by as I mentioned earlier) but if everybody just does whatever pleases them the result will be anarchy
...

Read more on recycling in Germany:
http://www.howtogermany.com/pages/recycling.html

Alright, enough said. To end it on a lighter note please check out the following entry from the author of the blog "Nothing for Ungood-German Quirks from an American Perspective":

Little known fact: Germans are better Capitalists than Americans

April 29th, 2008
Although Germans are accused of being socialists just because they pay 19% sales tax nationwide, 67.578% income tax, church tax, and the East Germany gets the good roads tax, as well as having to pay extra every single month for owning a TV, radio, car radio, and/or computer monitor, Germans are actually better capitalists than Americans. Yes, Germans pay something like $10 in tax per gallon of gasoline to drive to work, but German businesses have latched onto capitalism much better than American corporations.
One of the principles of capitalism is that resources that aren’t directly paid for by individuals are wasted. For example, when you go grocery shopping in the United States, you are generally given about 25 extra plastic bags, because the cashiers bag each item separately, but you don’t argue with them, because the bags are free. The cashier gives every customer extra bags to avoid the one odd customer who might complain that her eggs will break if bagged with the bread or something. Since neither the cashier nor the customer bears the cost of the plastic bags, they are wasted.
Not in Germany. In Germany you have to pay a few coins for a bag, so you either bring one with you when you shop or try to stuff one week’s worth of groceries into one bag. (Be careful not lose any coins in Europe. American coins are pretty much worthless, but Euro coins can actually buy you stuff, or at least let you get a grocery cart.)
In Germany nothing is free. Everything costs a little, whether that’s using a restroom or getting a little extra mayonnaise for your French fries. Although it is pretty annoying to be nickled and dimed every time you turn around, overall it is a more efficient allocation of resources.
Well done Germany. Except seriously, Soda costs next to nothing. Stop charging €4 for a tiny 0.2L cup of Coke with no ice and no free refills! (my comment: as I said earlier, people don't learn unless it hurts their budget. Soda is BAD for you!)

(http://nothingforungood.com/page/15/)

Between The Cultures

The other day I talked to my cousin who also married a non-German and doesn't live in Germany. "Could you imagine to move back to your home town?" This simple question is not quite so simple. We talked about this weird stage between the cultures that only those who are in it understand. Yeah, we miss our home country. But moving back would never be the same as it was. We've simply learned too many new things, had to adapt and therefore changed. We are not the same. Time has moved on over there - without us. I mean the digital age helps a lot to be updated on the lives of friends and family, music, film and politics - but it's only an update and not an experience. I'm looking forward to visiting Germany in September to get a "real" face-to-face update - drive my Dad's new car, see my cousin's baby boy (who will probably be walking by the first time I get to see him), hanging out with the family, meeting an old friend for coffee in Stuttgart down town. But the matter of fact is: I'm just visiting. I'm not a part of it any more. I'm still a German citizen but I'm also an American resident. I know, relationships changed when I first spend 6 months overseas and then moved away to study. But this time it's different. I used to come "home" from my trips. Now I'm visiting what used to be "home". Well, you got a new home now, right? Right, technically at least. I mean what is home? I'm coming to think that it is a place in one's heart reserved for the ones and the things you love. I remember the times when I studied and spent a few months at school, a few months at my parent's to work and a few months to visit my hubby-to-be. It felt like having three homes, all combined in a suitcase. Yeah, I have a home here. I have a husband who loves me. I brought most of my personal belongings that mean a lot to me over here. But why does my heart still feel lonely - more or less at times? I have a social security number, a CA driver's license and my 10-year green card should be in the mail any day. But does that mean I belong here? I'm an alien, legal, yeah, but foreign. The American way of life is not familiar to me. The longer I'm here the more I learn to "fit" in, but it seems to be a long road and still I'm reminded every day that I'm not from here, that I'm different. The scary thing is to realize that when I visit my home country, I'm different, too. Once you start crossing borders and learn to love different people and places your heart will have to live with longing. Because in this world you will never have all those desires met at the same time in the same place. It's the price you pay for widening your horizon and learning new ways. It makes life richer but at the same time it makes you aware of the things you love and miss. Ways of life. Familiarity. It's the tension between the excitement of the new and the security of the known. The questions the heart has to deal with are: Where do I belong? Where do I fit in? Who am I? The heart wants I clear answer because it doesn't like to deal with the tension. There are those who live in a foreign country but within their own community like Chinatown. And there are those who completely deny their background for whatever reasons and completely adapt to their host country. I think both these answers give the heart a sense of satisfaction, it seems to be the quicker and easier way out. But I also think something is lost that way. I want to have the courage to not "fit" into the given categories. Why do I have to decide to either be German or American (I'm not talking about citizenship here)? Why can't I just be a German residing in California? Yeah, why can't I? I can, if I decide to go the hard way, to tolerate the tension, to allow the process of my own identity formation between the cultures, to be different. And if I decide to hope that something new, rich and beautiful will merge out of this struggle. I carry my "home" within me.

The sound of LA

As a baby the only place I would fall asleep was under the huge birch tree in my parents' backyard. I was born in the middle of winter so my Mom would bundle me up in the stroller. Growing up I loved to fall asleep the the calming sound of the wind playing with the birch branches. Hearing the rain dripping on the roof had a similar effect.

While remembering this soothing sounds of my childhood I'm sitting here listening to the sound of 2 helicopters, the cars driving on 4 lanes of Ventura Blvd just a block away and the air conditioning of the neighboring houses which I tried to ignore by listening to the little fountain on my patio and the twittering of the birds.

What a difference. I should also mention that some people - like my Mom and my husband - think I have ears like a dog. I'm the type of person who can hear that something's wrong with the car brakes weeks before the car is finally taken to the shop for a brake check. I can hear the tap dripping in the other room. I can hear the radio play in the car when the volume is down and others think it's off.

When I first moved here I couldn't believe how often a day I could hear police and fire sirens going. I remember the night when a helicopter was basically flying up and down our street pass our window for hours. Or the night we heard gun shots after people had been circling the block blasting music. Or waking up to the sound of the Mexican workers doing the neighbors' lawn with s.th. that sounded like a jackhammer. I have to say all these sounds were not exactly normal to me and still are not.

I guess I have to get used to the fact that it's never quiet in this city and it's hard to escape it, especially for s.o. with ears like me. Some nights I have to wear ear plugs (which I hate) to be able to fall asleep in spite of the neighbors' TV blasting until 2:30AM. There doesn't seem to be general rules like in Germany for when to keep the noise down (on holidays, Sundays, after 10PM, lunch break etc.). Our one neighbor thinks everybody is interested in listening to his video games and the swearing that goes with it. The rest of the Israeli gang in our complex turns the whole place into a pool party for a whole day by blasting some Hebrew pop songs. Well, most of them moved out now. So right now I'm just listening to the French conversation of the neighbors across.

The place I love here is at the ocean, just listening to the waves and the wind. Watching the birds and dolphins. It's a place where the soul can rest and get away from the business of the city and its noise. Every time we go there I try to breathe it in deeply as if I could take some of it back with me that way.

My hubby tells me after living here for almost 15 years he is used to that. But he also has the gift of just turning around and sleeping like a stone. And honestly I'm not sure if a want to accept this as the status quo. I don't want to loose the appreciation for quietness just because I get so used to noise in the background that quietness gets awkward.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I don't like any loud sound. I love to get lost in loud music (as long as I don't have a migraine and it's well mixed). I guess what it comes down to in the city is that you can't choose what sounds you hear and when you hear them especially at night. As a sensitive sleeper that's hard to accept.

I've heard others say that they thing the welcoming sounds of LA are helicopters and sirens. What do you think (if you didn't grow up here)?

What is the Wartime Treatment Study Act? - A History Lesson

California Staatszeitung, March 28 2009

California Staatszeitung, April 4 2009

Public vs. Private

One of the biggest challenges for me has been as still is:
"How to perform the kind of social behavior that that ensures my American counterpart receives the message I am actually sending".
It often seems to me that following the cultural manual that has been installed in me for over 25 years on how to interact in social contexts does not result in the expected outcome on this side of the Atlantic. It feels more like trying to figure out your DVD player by reading the manual for

Public vs. Private
Germans are raised to distinguish between two spheres, the public sphere and the private sphere. Public sphere means everything outside your home, family and close friends. Each sphere has a different set of behaviors. Germans really value their privacy; this is reflected in public behavior. It is considered polite to not bother someone unless there is a specific reason.

Have you ever observed the completely different experience you will have on a plane depending on who sits next to you? I have watched this over and over again. A German will approach you to get out of his seat to use the restroom and also say "Hello" and 'Goodbye". Bu unless you start the conversation or alcohol is consumed you probably won't hear much more for the next 10 hours. This way the German honors your privacy even though you are sitting cramped in on tight space. Sitting next to an American is a completely different way of spending those 10 hours. Before you even had a chance to sit down you will probably be evolved in all kinds of chip chat on what you are doing for a living. If you brought a book to read, just put it away, you won't get to read it and even when you put on headphones or pretend you are sleeping, you will be talked to! Okay, I'm exaggerating, but I seriously had experiences like that and at first that came across quite intrusive to me.

You see, according to the German manual your interaction will be polite, reserved and reduced to the facts that are needed to deal with a situation unless you know somebody better and that person moves on to the private sphere. I Germany it is considered most inappropriate to call someone older than you or in a higher rank/position by their first name unless invited to do so. Here my clients call me by my first name! To be invited into the "private circle" means you are considered trustworthy.

The problem that occurs now is that certain clues that announce to Germans an interest for a closer relationship are to Americans just standard behavior and don't mean they handpicked them to be their friend. When in response to this perceived invitation the German starts to share his privacy - humor, home, opinions - he can feel disappointed or even violated when this special gift is not treated as such because it does not match with the status of the relationship that is perceived by the American.

W. Parks writes

http://adaptorlose.blogspot.com/2009/03/why-americans-always-smile-and-germans.html


Hot to treat guests
privacy , meaning of ones home












The minefield of intercultural communication
by Max Keller

After having done some reading on the topic I came to the conclusion that intercultural communication is horror.

I mean, in the average English didactic lesson the professor tells about the fact that there might be some problems and that one has to be careful; usually this is accompanied by a stereotypical example of things that went wrong. But this is as far as it goes. Many professors and English teachers mistake the whole topic of intercultural communication by only pointing out differences that are apparent: Germans shake hands at every opportunity, Anglo-Saxon people don’t, etc. And that’s about it.

But due to above-mentioned research I am now able to tell that there are quite some more differences between the US/English and the German culture. Many features of communication are implicit to the respective culture and therefore most people are not aware of them (it’s like the grammar of behavior: you need no explicit knowledge of grammar to speak your mother tongue correctly). Only to people who live in another culture for a longer time period these differences can become apparent - and then it is additionally very difficult to trace those differences. In the following explanations it is necessary to use somewhat stereotypical features of the cultures to make distinctions possible. I am absolutely aware that this is not an accurate way of describing reality. So when you read about a typical German or a typical American this only represents a theme and not actual persons or characters.

One of those stereotypical features of German behavior is a certain amount of directness. Germans usually mean what they say. An invitation for coffee entails the act of arranging a possible date to drink coffee. In other words: the polite American who says: “Hey, why don’t you come over some time?” will be surprised to find that the German really wants to visit him. The same principle applies when the American is taken aback by the German who just says goodbye without an invitation - the German and the American both never intended to invite the other after their first meeting, but the German makes it clear.

A similar problem occurs when a person is asked his or her opinion on the country (or anything else). The polite American will say that everything is lovely and nice because saying something negative would be horribly impolite. The German, on the other hand, remarks both positive and negative things because it is a sign of a critical mind to analyze things and find good things and downsides. So the German shows polite behavior in criticizing things as this shows a certain respect towards something - only if you think about something you give it a certain value. By thinking you find downsides, and if you express them - well not a problem to another German, just say WHY you have your opinion. Many Germans love to argue or to discuss and there’s nothing better than a nice disagreement for a good discussion. This even leads to the phenomenon that some people are of a different opinion as a default. Sometimes I behave myself like that: Somebody states something with which I agree. Nevertheless I take a different point of view - all for the sake of a nice discussion and, what is more, the more diverse the opinions are, the better you can understand different viewpoints and the more thoroughly you can analyze the thing.

And there is more. Germans have humor. They just don’t show it. In Germany a very sharp separation of public and private sphere applies (Dienst ist Dienst und Schnaps ist Schaps). In the private sphere Germans can be quite humorous people but in the public sphere they are not. This is because being funny in public means that you are not serious. [Public sphere should be defined as a setting in which people meet who are not friends and who have business to do. So, political debate, classroom, business meetings etc. can be identified as public sphere settings. In analogy, private sphere can be defined as a meeting of people (usually close to each other) that mainly serves the purpose of 'mating' or relaxing (pubs, the family's living room, a party etc.).] The German is therefore quite surprised to find his English-speaking business partners constantly joking as he is not aware that humor is an essential part of Anglo-Saxon culture and prevails in all life situations. Vice-versa, the Anglo-Saxon is surprised by the German’s perceived stiffness.

When it comes to friendship relations the transatlantic division also becomes quite obvious - although the reasons for the misunderstandings are not so very obvious. The American defines him- or herself mainly by his or her profession and is therefore looking for friends with similar interests. Therefore the pattern of friend-making is that they ask what people do for a living and pick friends accordingly. For the German, however, the occupation of a friend is a secondary thing as friendships are based on a broader perspective: a general pleasantness is also valued highly. The German therefore banters a lot with people and talks about quite a number of topics with a possible friend before actually calling the relationship one of “Freundschaft”. The American’s direct request what a German does for a living and the tendency to stick with the one shared interest strikes the German as superficial whereas, in the opposite direction, the German is perceived as stiff and a bit boring (why all this talk about politics, cars, the environment? I want to talk about fishing!)

There are many more examples of misunderstandings that can occur when people of the above mentioned cultures meet. Usually, however, their seemingly impolite, or superficial, or stiff behavior can be explained by the different cultural grammar. The best intentions can be in vain because the perception on the other side is a different one.

Therefore, after this (I hope sufficiently neutral) introduction to the cultural differences, I have a request: Please try to become aware of the differences and let the results of possible communication failures not contribute to your set of stereotypes.

The sources I used for this article are the following:

http://usaerklaert.wordpress.com/2006/09/18/warum-amerikaner-briten-kanadier-nicht-sagen-was-sie-meinen/

http://andrewhammel.typepad.com/german_joys/2007/10/although-instan.html

http://www.spiegel.de/international/0,1518,416920,00.html

The links lead to the three articles that are very explicitly dedicated to the topic but I can only encourage further reading (especially in the former two). There is a lot to be learned! May be you can even help me with one open question. Kalberg (German Joys) and "Spiegel online" are somewhat contradictory in one point. "Spiegel" online and "USA-erklärt" both point out that Germans are more direct whereas Kalberg points out that Americans are. My possible explanation is the class relationship. The German will speak openly to and contradict anyone in a close relationship whereas he/she is more cautions towards people of higher social rank (even more so in public settings). The American, on the other hand, is very polite in private settings and in public settings less aware of (in his/her culture non-existent or less-existent) hierarchies and can therefore speak his/her mind more openly in the public sphere. Read for yourself and tell me if you find that explanation convincing!

23/01/2008 Edit: Today I talked to a university professor of mine who is from the US and came to Germany some 25 years ago. She found my hypothesis that the situations are reversed (US: private politeness, public sphere openly speaking their minds - Germany: private directness, public sphere politeness) quite convincing. I am happy to have it confirmed by someone who knows a bit about it.

Thank you for reading. And, btw, some evidence hints that I myself violently hurt some people on this minefield. I am really sorry but I did it unintentionally.

http://kellermax.wordpress.com/2008/01/22/the-minefield-of-intercultural-communication/

http://andrewhammel.typepad.com/german_joys/2007/10/although-instan.html

---

Is Los Angeles going green?

I couldn't help myself but finding this hanging on my front door just made me laugh:

Als das heute an meiner Türe hing, konnte ich mir das Lachen einfach nicth verkneifen:



Instructions on how to save water/energy and 2 energy saving light bulbs. It seems Los Angeles is 20 years behind the rest of the world but better late than never...

Eine Anleitung zum Wasser- u. Energiesparen und 2 Energiesparlampen. Scheinbar ist Los Angeles dem Rest der Welt 20 Jahre hinterher, aber besser spät als gar nicht...

Public Transportation in LA

During a few trips to LA before we were married I had stayed in Pasadena and almost daily taken the metro to Sherman Oaks. I was told the system was quite new so I didn’t expect any difficulties. Well, the first thing that struck me was that weekly or monthly passes could not be purchased at the stations. The machines only let you buy day passes to use the whole metro net for $ 3 (which I thought was quite affordable compared to Germany). So where do you buy a weekly pass? You look up online which super market chains sell those passes. Great, there was one that I would pass on my foot walk to the station anyways. Turned out this particular store didn’t sell the passes but on “just up the street” does sell them. No problem, I’m used to walking so I walk, and walk and walk and after at one or two miles of walking uphill the same street I give up because I start to notice that I seem to be the only white person in this area, there are homeless people on every corner and all the public phones I try to call my hubby-to-be don’t work. Fast forward, after wasting more time in a super market that was out of the passes or didn’t sell them after 6PM, I forgot which on it was, we are in another market to finally buy that pass. We learn that a 2-week-pass only starts at a certain random day, so basically for the next 3 days I would have to purchase the pass that includes those days and pay for the week already passed. At that point I started to understand why most people in LA prefer taking the car in spite of the crazy traffic. Alright, I just stick with the daily ticket. I arrive at the station and look for the time table. Em, there is not time table displayed on the station. Interesting. As I find out later foldable time tables are available IN the train which doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me but at least it’s a time table. All together I have to say they metro is not the worst experience as long as it is available in an area you want to go. And you always meet interesting people of all colors and races. I like this strange awareness that I’m part of God’s diverse creation which reminds to the old Sunday school song “Ja, Gott hat alle Kinder lieb, jedes Kind in jedem Land…”. The songs talks about how God loves every child in every nation and goes on introducing children of different races etc. One particular encounter on my way back from checking out Chinatown with a friend made me realize that a live in LA now. I was waiting for the train to start moving when suddenly a guy came running in. His behavior was strange, he was all sweaty and out of breath, looking around very paranoid, sitting down for a few seconds on different spots in the train and trying to open the door to the cockpit. Seconds later two cops entered the scene and handcuffed him. They looked under the seats as if looking for something and took off. Once the train was moving another passenger said “OMG, no I know what they were looking for!” and picked up a small plastic tube with some kind of pills in it. I found another one under my seat. Well, just a normal afternoon on the metro and another arrested drug dealer. Often there are also people who seem to be mentally not quite there (usually homeless) who try to sell some (Christian!) books and curse at the whole department when nobody buys anything.

The really interesting part of the journey however is the connecting bus ride. Buses are not really scheduled; they just arrive whenever they do. The time table says “ every 20 min between 2PM - 4PM”. One day I have waited 45 min! The bus was packed already when a person in some kind of a wheel chair which looked more like a full length hospital bed to me decided he wanted to get on this very bus although everybody else has been there before him. So half the people had to get out to make space for him and wait for the next bus. Once you’re on the bus you notice that you are surrounded by teenagers, senior citizens, homeless people and hardly white people. I found it shocking to realize that using the bus is seems to be a sign of social class in the US or at least in LA.

This was so obvious to me at one particular ride. The bus driver must have had a really bad day. It was pouring, winter in LA, and a guy entered the bus via the back door because he had a big sack with a down comforter or something that he didn’t want to get wet. Then he walked to the front to pay for his ticket. Well, the bus driver told him to get out of the bus and enter the proper way which is through the front. He said something about security measures and a bomb or something. The guy refused to do that so the end of the story was that the bus stopped and the bus driver called the police. I thought I was part of a movie, seriously. So we were stopped and everybody started talking about missing appointments. There was no one without an accent and the only other white person was from Italy. Well, I was in good company, haha, and finally we all had to get out and wait for the next bus of this line.

Another day I was waiting at the bus stop when a guy with long grey hair approached me and said something about the peaceful aura that surrounded me. Must have been some kind of newagy person that could feel that I am a Christian. I don’t know why I even bothered talking to him but he wanted me to call the number of his agency for modeling or something and insisted I talk to a German girl who worked for him as a make-up artist. Weird. In Germany I had used the train quite a bit to get around before I was allowed to drive with 18, to get to work and to visit my parents during semester breaks. But I never had an experience that came close to the “high lights” I just described which all took place during the day. I mean I don’t know what happens on Berlin trains or busses but for me it was definitely a new experience (which most people I know in LA have never had!). Now that we have two cars the metro adventures are replaced by traffic adventures on which I will elaborate another time…

Daily News

As part of my daily routine in Germany I used to watch the news at 10:30PM at channel 1 (ARD) if I happened to be home (This channel is one of the channels you can receive for a small fee without having satellite or cable TV). I would use the time to do some sit-ups or other exercises or do my nails during this 30 min of structured compact information about what’s going on in nationwide and worldwide. So with this being my “normality” I switch on the TV while doing the first ironing sessions as a married woman and find a program that looks like a regular news show to me. At this point we don’t have cable or satellite TV and I am happy that depending on your antenna you can get many channels for free! So here I am looking forward to hearing what’s going on in the world – 60 min later I have to realize that the only new thing I learned was that this mission was harder to accomplish than I had expected. I was sort of disillusioned about the fact that within 60 min I had watched probably 10 min of actual news. The rest of the time was filled with commercials and teasers of the news to be reported and flash-backs of the news that just had been reported. The actual news had NOTHING to do with worldwide politics and not much with nationwide politics or anything I would have considered worth reporting. It was more like the random news show like the German show BRISANT (in case it’s still broadcasted). Stuff like “Chi-wa-wa in Beverly Hills mated with Rottweiler”. Okay, I made this one up because I can’t remember and stopped trying to watch the news on TV over 2 years ago. Bottom line is that after a few more attempts I had to find another solution to still my hunger for “real” news that also report outside of Los Angeles. We didn’t have the money for cable TV (still don’t) or T-bo so I couldn’t receive CNN, BBC or any German programs. Spending a lot of time at the computer I also didn’t feel like reading the news online (Many Americans seem to do that like my hubby and some friends). Although once in while it is nice to read something like the SPIEGEL news magazine online. Thank God I soon found out I could watch the very news program I used to watch in Germany online while doing my workout, yeah! Thanks to my hubby’s aunt I also got a weekly German language newspaper called the California Staatszeitung which on the first few pages give a good overview of what’s going on in the German word and matters of German-US relations. The only down part is that this way I don’t get very detailed American news but so far I’m okay with that.

Side note: Through my 2^nd cousin living in Australia I found out about an online TV recorder that lets me record and download German TV programs for a annual fee. That way I prepare for our future children by recording my favorite German children’s shows, and I get to watch German movies (in hope that one day my hubby’s German is good enough to watch with me).

Action Seekers vs. Truth Seekers

Transatlantic Letters from William Parks
Comments on German and American Culture and Society

#3 Action Seekers
Americans often become impatient with Germans and their love of thorough discussions. Americans are action seekers. We place high value on pragmatic action and individual initiative. We still have the frontier experience in us. We learned that you can't clear the wilderness, build homes, and defend them against wild animals by discussing these things. Better to take action, get something going, see how it works, and then make any corrections necessary.

Today we are no longer in colonial times or in the Wild West. The wild animals have been replaced by wild and savage competitors. We have to be lightening fast to the market, otherwise the competitors will control that market while we go bankrupt with our superior products. Microsoft is the epitome of the action seeker, valuing marketing over product perfection.

Discussion is important to reach a workable decision, but we need a leader to channel that discussion. Give everyone a chance to speak so they feel they're valued as individuals, get them all to agree by the deadline, and then launch the surprise offensive while the competition is still sleeping.

When transatlantic partners get together, there can be friction and misunderstandings. Americans easily see Germans as feet draggers who never do anything; Germans easily see Americans as juveniles creating one mess after the other. This means latent mistrust that can develop in any undertaking.

Nevertheless, we can recognize these differences and learn from each other. American action seekers are pragmatic and highly aware of market constraints. Germans can learn how to react faster to market pressure and accept the consequent risks. But first of all, set a definite time limit to the discussion.

#4 Truth Seekers
Germans tend to be truth seekers who take a lot of time in discussing the issues involved, and who strive for building up a broad consensus around any decision. Germans place high value on clarity and thoroughness. In making an important decision, you want to do it once and do it right. This prepares the groundwork for clarity of action. The action then taken represents full and final commitment resulting from the best possible use of the intellect.

Commitment to the right course of action can bring long-term benefits for generations: German engineering, postwar reconstruction, and two centuries of chemical research are examples. It is of supreme importance to seek and recognize the single best course of action, the "truth," and then put all your resources into this.

This is serious business. Do it right and the matter is settled for the rest of your life. Do it wrong and you have to do it again, and that is unnecessary. Listen very carefully to everyone who has something to say in the matter. Encourage controversy and very tough questions; that way you know people are serious about what they are saying and expect the same from you in return. Reach as broad a consensus as is humanly possible, so when you make that decision, everyone is totally behind it.

German truth seekers at their best prepare careful groundwork that prevents costly false starts. Furthermore, in their love of controversy, tough questions, and endless discussions, Germans are far more likely to take particular local conditions and needs into consideration when extending operations abroad. Americans can learn from Germans that careful, patient deliberation now can save a lot of time, money, and effort down the road later. But first agree on which topics require thorough discussion and consensus, and which do not.

(http://www.howtogermany.com/transatlantic/transatlantic.php)

Although this one is more about business relations it still made me laugh...

Smiling Americans vs.Unfriendly Germans

Transatlantic Letters from William Parks
Comments on German and American Culture and Society

#1 Why Are Americans Always Smiling?
First of all, like people everywhere, there are times when Americans smile, and times when we do not. What is noticeable about Americans, however, is that we seem to smile far more often in public than people of other nationalities do. Americans have a very strong desire to be personally accepted by people in general, even strangers. In meeting another person for the first time, our first impulse typically is to somehow get that person to accept us.

What seems strange to Germans is that we seek this personal acceptance from people we don't even really know. Germans usually remain very reserved in public, and if the contact has something to do with work, are more inclined to seek respect for their competency. We all have a very basic human need for recognition, but Germans and Americans have differing initial strategies for gaining this. Germans typically seek recognition first for being competent in their area of work, and then only gradually seek personal recognition afterwards as the relationship deepens. Americans typically seek recognition first as a person, and then we use this recognition as a kind of psychological platform for demonstrating our competency in connection with work.

In the home culture, each of these strategies is sound, but in the transatlantic work context, they can lead to misjudgments of a person's character. Germans will often see Americans as "superficial" because we are smiling "when it doesn't mean anything." Americans will often see Germans as "aloof" because "they don't want you to get to know them." These are misjudgments because the behavior patterns here are acquired in the course of the person's socialization and have little or nothing to do with personal character.

#2 Why Are Germans So Unfriendly?
This is often the impression Americans get after arriving here. In over 30 years of experience with the Germans, however, I've found them just as friendly or unfriendly as any other people. In public they tend to be reserved and unemotional, but in private they open up and can become very warmhearted, good friends.

In public, Americans present themselves as friendly and outgoing, greeting strangers often with something like: Hi, how's it going? (Response: Great.) Germans present themselves as distanced, often "looking past" strangers, unless there is a clear reason for interacting, as when someone needs help.

There are different "game rules" involved here. We Americans like to have some sort of vague contact to the other people we see, including strangers. This may well be a holdover from frontier days, when it was vitally necessary to have some sort of idea who the other people in town were.

Germans play by different rules. You have people you know, who are your friends; and people you don't know, who are strangers. You deal very differently with these two very different types of people. You usually have contact with strangers only when there is some reason for this, and then you show considerable reserve and politeness. There is no reason to seek contact for its own sake. This is not being "unfriendly," but more a way of showing tacit respect and not intruding unnecessarily on the other person.

Of course there are differences in both countries - more "friendly" in the south and in the country; and more reserved in the north and in the cities. Wherever you are, "thawing out" together is not difficult, especially at any of the numerous German-American organizations. In addition, there is the fine old tradition of going out after work for a drink. Prost!

(http://www.howtogermany.com/transatlantic/transatlantic.php)

Cultural Code "Honesty": Polite or Rude?

I'm sure we've all had experiences like that. If you are American you've probably come across a "rude" German. And if you are German you've probably wondered if all those nice things an American says about you are just a polite technical term or actually meant seriously.

It often seems to me that following the cultural manual that has been installed in me for over 25 years on how to interact in social contexts does not result in the expected outcome on this side of the Atlantic. It feels more like trying to figure out your DVD player by reading the manual for your printer.

I can recall many situations in which I have tried to translate to the best of my knowledge what would have been the perfectly appropriate German approach to this specific situation and apparently in American context it was considered inappropriate or even rude. Often times when I felt I knew people well enough to just be myself I learned afterward that I scared people off by being too opinionated, too passionate, too negative and too direct.

The following articles offers some insight on how the American social manual translates to the German social manual and vice-versa and hopefully it will reveal some underlying motivations and intentions of social behaviors to help mutual understanding.

Max Keller, who is German, writes in his blog "The minefield of intercultural communication" about this topic:
One of those stereotypical features of German behavior is a certain amount of directness. Germans usually mean what they say. An invitation for coffee entails the act of arranging a possible date to drink coffee. In other words: the polite American who says: “Hey, why don’t you come over some time?” will be surprised to find that the German really wants to visit him. The same principle applies when the American is taken aback by the German who just says goodbye without an invitation - the German and the American both never intended to invite the other after their first meeting, but the German makes it clear.
http://kellermax.wordpress.com/2008/01/22/the-minefield-of-intercultural-communication/

An article in "Der Spiegel online"from May 18 in2006 gives an American perspective:
Brutally Honest: "Have You Gained Weight?"

Don't beat around the bush in Germany. If someone asks a question, answer it honestly and expect the same in return. "Yes I have put on a few pounds," is the correct answer.

You've been invited over to a friend's house, and his grandmother serves you a cake she has labored over for hours.

Granny: I had to go all over town to get the ingredients. It's my own grandmother's fruitcake recipe, but you can't get pickled figs and horseradish syrup at the shops anymore!

You have three responses to choose from:

a) Oh, thank you so much. It looks lovely.

b) Oh, thank you, but I'm dieting. I can't eat cake.

c) I don't like fruitcake at all and figs make me swell up and break into a hideous, oozing rash.

If you picked a, you are probably English or American. And even if you can't stand fruitcake, you'll shovel it in to make granny happy. Many well-mannered (or quick-thinking) Americans may also have chosen b.

The third answer, though, is reserved exclusively for Germans. How, after all, can honesty be rude? Why on earth would you lie, say the Germans? You don't like fruitcake, why pretend that you do? And those figs could kill you!

In England or the US, of course, answer ccould very well result in a rolling pin upside the head. In Germany, however, it's merely a standard form that human interaction takes. You say what you have to say and that's that. You meet up with a German friend you haven't seen for awhile and chances are he might ask, "Have you gained weight?" It's not meant as an insult, merely a polite inquiry.

The bottom line is that the rules of human interaction are different in Germany. Here are a few of them:

Personal invitations of all kinds are to be taken at face value. "We're having a party, please do come," means "We're having a party, please do come," and not "We feel rude not inviting you in front of these other people, but surely you'll have the grace not to show up." Similarly, "Come over to my house and we'll have tea," means that you should start planning a date and time for that pleasant event. It is not to be confused with the Anglo-American "We should get together sometime," which means "I hope I never see you again."

Yes means yes and no means no. If you ask whether you can share someone's table (or borrow a pen, or get a ride) and that person says yes, that's the end of it. Even if the person does not smile or tell you to go right ahead, you do not have to ask again. Germans will be perplexed when you insist: "Are you sure? I won't be bothering you, will I? I'll just take this little corner and be done in a minute." For heavens sakes, they said yes already, and it's not like you're asking them to donate a kidney. Just sit down.

Preferences are expressed directly. If someone offers you tickets to the opera "Siegfried," don't put them off vaguely: "If only it lasted just a tiny bit less than six hours, I'd love to go, but my schedule is jam-packed." If you don't like Wagner, or opera, just say so. Germans will not be offended that you have an opinion that differs from theirs. But . . .

You may have to talk about it. There are consequences for all this directness, and this is one. You may be asked why you don't want to come to someone's party or why you don't like Wagner, and then you must explain. You may even have to have a discussion about it, or possible a debate. But perhaps you can do that over tea. Would you like to come over some time?

Contributed by Maria Snyder, now living in Chicago, USA.

http://www.spiegel.de/international/0,1518,416920,00.html

I'm not sure -notice the Americanism here : ) - if I agree completely with the fruitcake example. Most Germans I know including myself would still at least try a small piece. And in American culture no one gets insulted if you don't eat up, right! : )

I remember I was surprised when my hubby and I were invited somewhere and a day before people would always double check "If we were still on". To me that was almost insulting, I mean we had a date, it was in my calendar and unless some act of God would intervene we were going. Did they assume we were that flaky? But I was ensured that that's just the way they do it here, especially in LA.

The following German article - which I will translate here roughly - talks about wht Anglo-Saxons don't say what they mean. As it is considered rude to say "no" the message is delivered in an encrypted way of saying "no" without directly saying it. In Anglo-Saxon culture it is more important to not hurt others feelings than saying the truth. So you better know the code.

Here a view translation examples:
How are you? - means: Hi - Just say "great"
Just come over some time. - Does not mean to actually stop by
I wonder if this is really the best solution? - not an actual question, it means no
I'm wondering if we need more time? - means no
Wouldn't blue fit your eyes better? - means you look like a scarecrow in this dress
We might want to review some parts of the project - means " no", it doesn't mean you are asked for your opinion
It was different - It was horrible, weird

This is where the term little white lie and polite lie comes from. It's a socially accepted and even requested lie. For example a polite Anglo-Saxon would never say that he doesn't like a gift.
So what does he say when he actually really likes a gift?? Well, basically he will completely freak out. "Honey, look, what they gave me, that's what I've always wanted as a kid, no, even before I was born I wanted exactly this, wait until I show our neighbors, thank you soooooo much, I will remember this day for the rest of my life and my grandchildren will be talking about it, I will write this on my grave stone." So if for you as a German the situation slowly gets a little embarrassing and you start asking yourself if he is trying to make fun of you, the gift was just right.

Happy Anglo-Saxons can be quite exhausting for Germans. But the problem gets more serious the other way round. I you as an American give a German a gift you will always be disappointed because Germans never freak out about those kind of things. For an Anglo-Saxon the code for a normal German "Thank you" is a sign that you didn't like the gift. Many Us boys come home from a date completely devastated because they thought the German girl didn't like their gift and they don't understand what they did wrong. Well, nothing, she loved it, but she is German. That's how they are, no reason not to marry her.

But what do Anglo-Saxons really think about Germany? We might never find out. At least if they are well-mannered. They will always say that they absolutely love it and that everything is great and awesome. The way kids are raised is" If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything." Especially when you travel abroad. To criticize your host is basically as impolite as you can get.

For Germans that is frustrating. If somebody spent some time in a country they assume that naturally there must be also things one didn't like. It is considered as being honest to share those things in a differentiated opinion as a sign of a cultivated critical spirit. A person who simply sees everything as super and great is considered simple, naive, and shallow - the latter one being one of the top stereotypes German hold against Americans. From a US perspective this might be a compliment in a way.

Most Germans know about such a cultural code in countries like Japan. But for some reason they don't expect it with Anglo-Saxons. So why on earth is this not taught in English classes! But instead thousands of German exchange students are sent to London, New York or Ottawa completely unprepared to answer the question at the end of their stay: "So how did you like your stay?"It's left to the reader to imagine this cultural disaster.

So if a German spends a lot of time with Anglo-Saxons and realizes for the first time that this code exists he often starts to panic and starts to question every comment: Does he really mean that or does he just say that to be polite? And how am I supposed to act? Where can I buy this code book?!

Well, you got to live with the fact that you will never know certain things. I good guest will always make you feel that you changed his whole life. If you are a guest save the critique for your journal and concentrate on one specific thing that you can honestly praise, or at least as honestly as possible.

We learned that a lot of things seem to be exaggerated to Germans. A good measure to find out if somebody really means it is to count three times (unless the American has lived in Germany long enough). If the Anglo Saxon says three times "Please come visit us again!" and you (the German) already start to get a bit irritated it's pretty safe to say they mean it. Don't come over if it's only said once!

Finally: nobody expects perfect social behavior from a foreigner in any country. Most Americans know that Germans are, well, more direct. So there is a little grace unless you don't like to work with stereotypes.

If you know the rules or at least know they exist you can break them strategically. Just use this for an introduction: "I'm German so I'm sorry if this seems like a direct question..." Once your reputation is ruined...

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Warum Amerikaner (Briten, Kanadier) nicht sagen, was sie meinen

September 18, 2006

Hey, how are you? fragt der Amerikaner und ist dann überrascht, wenn der Deutsche erzählt, sein Frettchen sei gerade überfahren worden. Just come on over sometime! sagt der Brite und ist entsetzt, wenn der Deutsche irgendwann wirklich vor der Tür steht. Angelsachsen meinen nicht immer, was sie sagen, Deutsche dagegen meist schon. Kommen die beiden Kulturen zusammen, gibt es ganz andere Probleme als nur den Händedruck.

Denn Amerikaner, Briten, Kanadier und die anderen aus diesem Kulturkreis sprechen in gewissen Situationen verschlüsselt. Das gebietet die Höflichkeit. Es gilt zum Beispiel als krude, direkt no zu sagen und daher wird etwas anderes gesagt, das jeder andere Angelsachse als ein “Nein” versteht, aber nicht “Nein” heißt.

Auf die Frage an die beste Freundin, wie einem ein Kleid steht, wird eine Deutsche vielleicht das Gesicht verziehen und “Du, nicht wirklich” sagen oder “Ich weiß nicht, ob es dir so gut steht”, eine Amerikanerin aber eher etwas wie “Würde blau nicht besser zu deinen Augen passen?”. Für eine Amerikanerin heißt das, du siehst aus wie eine magersüchtige Vogelscheuche mit einem Heroin-Problem, während eine Deutsche das Gefühl hat, man redet aneinander vorbei. Augen? Was faselt die von meinen Augen? Ich will wissen, ob mein Arsch fett aussieht!

Andere Beispiele: Bei einer Diskussion mit Amerikanern heißt I wonder if this is really the best solution übersetzt “nein”. I’m wondering if we might need more time heißt “nein” und We might want to review some parts of the project heißt “nein”. Amerikaner sind verwirrt (oder schlicht sauer), wenn Deutsche nach solchen Sätzen kurz überlegen und sagen, nee, so ist’s gut, und dann einfach weitermachen. Aus der Sicht des Amerikaners war die Aussage klar und deutlich.

Die Regel gilt auch für den Alltag. Ein höflicher Kanadier wird nicht sagen, dass ihm ein Geschenk nicht gefällt, denn das würde sich nicht gehören und könnte die Gefühle des anderen verletzten. Und das ist - um zum zentralen Punkt der Geschichte zu kommen - im Zweifelsfall wichtiger als die reine Wahrheit. Deswegen sagt man es - wenn überhaupt - verschlüsselt, und weil der andere den Code kennt, versteht er es und alles bleibt höflich. Nicht umsonst gibt es im Englischen die Begriffe little white lie und polite lie, die beide wesentlich schwächer sind als eine “Notlüge”: Es handelt sich um eine gesellschaftlich akzeptierte, mehr noch, eine gesellschaftlich vorgeschriebene Flunkerei.

Das wirft die Frage auf, wie Briten & Co. reagieren, wenn ihnen wirklich ein Geschenk gefällt. Kurz gesagt, sie flippen völlig aus. Das wollte ich schon immer haben, Liebling, schau her, was sie mir gebracht haben, schon als Kind, nein, bereits vor der Geburt wollte ich genau das haben, warte, bis es die Nachbarn sehen, vielen, vielen, vielen dank, diesen Tag werde ich mein ganzes Leben lang nicht vergessen und meine Enkelkinder werden noch davon sprechen, ich lasse es mir auf meinen Grabstein meißeln. Wenn einem als Deutscher die ganze Situation peinlich wird und man sich langsam fragt, ob man verarscht wird, ist es genau richtig.

So anstrengend glückliche Angelsachsen für Deutsche sein können: Umgekehrt ist das Problem ernster. Ein Amerikaner, der einem Deutschen ein Geschenk macht, ist eigentlich immer enttäuscht, denn Deutsche flippen bei so etwas nie aus. In dem Codebuch eines Angelsachsen ist das normale deutsche Dankeschön aber ein Zeichen dafür, dass man das Geschenk nicht mag. Dieser Autor hat über die Jahre schon einige betrübte Landsleute trösten müssen, die mit der Klage She didn’t like my present! What did I do wrong? I don’t understand! völlig geknickt von einem Date zurückgekommen sind. Nein, sie hat es geliebt, aber sie ist eine Deutsche. Die sind halt so. Heirate sie trotzdem.

Jetzt kommt der Teil, der einigen interessierten Lesern nicht unbedingt gefallen dürfte: Die gerade beschriebenen Prinzipien gelten ganz besonders für das Verhalten von Angelsachsen im Ausland, also in unserem speziellen Fall für das von Amerikanern in Deutschland. If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything, schärft man den Kiddies ein und so halten sie im Urlaub oder beim Austauschprogramm den Mund: Kritik am Gastgeber ist so ziemlich der Gipfel der Unhöflichkeit.

Und deswegen ist es so gut wie unmöglich aus Amerikanern oder Briten oder wem auch immer herauszubekommen, wie es ihnen in Deutschland wirklich gefällt. Wenn sie gut erzogen sind, werden sie immer sagen, dass es toll ist. Einfach super. Total spitze. Alles andere wäre ein Zeichen einer katastrophalen Kinderstube, nur knapp weniger schlimm als das Schnäuzen mit dem Tischtuch oder die ausgedehnte Ohrreinigung mit dem Eßstäbchen.

Für Deutsche ist das frustrierend. Wenn jemand einige Zeit in einem Land verbracht hat, gehen sie davon aus, dass es Dinge gibt, die einem nicht gefallen haben - natürlich. Es gilt als “ehrlich”, diese anzusprechen und eine “differenzierte” Meinung als ein Zeichen eines kultivierten, kritischen Geistes. Wer alles toll, super und spitze findet, gilt als dumm, leichtgläubig, oberflächlich - letzteres ist nicht umsonst eines der häufigsten deutschen Vorurteile über Amerikaner. Aus US-Sicht ist das in gewisser Weise ein Kompliment.

Zwar ist das Prinzip solcher kulturellen Codes den meisten Deutschen von Ländern wie Japan bekannt, wo offenbar “nein” nur deswegen im Wörterbuch steht, weil die Sprachpolizei es verlangt. Bei den Briten oder Amerikanern erwarten sie es aber komischerweise nicht. Es wird auch nicht im Englischunterricht vermittelt, was diesem Autor ein völliges Rätsel ist: Es bleibt dem Leser als Übung überlassen sich vorzustellen, wie das normale Verhalten von deutschen Austauschschülern in London, New York oder Ottawa wirkt. How did you like your stay? heißt es dann am Ende, und jedes Jahr laufen dann tausende nichts ahnende deutsche Kinder ins kulturelle Messer.

Wird Deutschen mit viel Kontakt zu Angelsachsen zum ersten Mal klar, dass es einen Code gibt, bricht schon mal Panik aus. Jeder Satz, jede Äußerung wird hinterfragt: Meint er das oder sagt er es nur, weil er höflich ist? Und wie verhalte ich mich denn? Ich will auch das Codebuch!

Man muss zuerst damit leben lernen, dass man einige Dinge nicht erfahren wird. Ein guter Gast wird bei einem immer das Gefühl geben, dass man sein Leben verändert hat. Wer es sich nicht darauf beruhen lassen kann oder will, muss mitdenken, sich in den anderen hineinversetzen und sich auf seine Empathie verlassen. Wer selbst Gast ist, spart sich bitte seine Kritik für sein Tagebuch auf und konzentriert sich auf einen möglichst konkreten Punkt, der dann ehrlich gelobt wird, oder zumindest so ehrlich wie möglich. It was different heißt übrigens übersetzt “es war schrecklich”. So einfach kommt man nicht davon.

Eine weitere Faustregel ist das oben beschriebene Prinzip, dass viele Dinge auf Deutsche übersteigert wirken (Vorsicht aber bei Amerikanern, die lange genug in Deutschland leben und wissen, welche Reaktion angebracht ist). Hilfreich ist auch die “Dreierregel”: Wenn ein Angelsachse drei Mal etwas sagt (Please come visit us again!) und man schon leicht genervt ist, dann gilt es mit ziemlicher Sicherheit. Einmal ist dagegen kein Mal.

Am Ende sollte man sich aber auch vor Augen halten: In keinem Land erwartet man von einem Ausländer ein völlig “korrektes” Sozialverhalten. Die meisten Amerikaner wissen, dass Deutsche, sagen wir mal, direkter sind. Einen gewissen Spielraum hat man also schon, so lange man nichts dagegen hat, Stereotypen zu bedienen.

Wer die Regeln kennt, oder wenigstens von ihnen weiß, kann sie dann auch gezielt brechen. Die Schönste Germanin benutzt hin und wieder die Einleitung I’m German, so I’m sorry if this seems like a direct question, die jedem Angelsachsen in Hörweite und insbesondere diesem Autor das Blut gefrieren lässt. Ist der Ruf erst ruiniert …
http://usaerklaert.wordpress.com/2006/09/18/warum-amerikaner-briten-kanadier-nicht-sagen-was-sie-meinen/
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The standard question I get here is " So how do you like it here"? Not my favorite question.although it's a natural thing to ask. I just don't like it because every time I don't manage to jump in the air and clap for excitement I feel guilty because I know how people will probably interpret it and my hubby will be disappointed. Maybe I should follow the suggestions I got to take some acting classes.

The example with gifts is so true. In the beginning people asked me 10 times if I really liked it and I just confirmed that I had said yes and was sort of surprised they were doubting my first answer.

Well, as I said, this is the hardest one so if anybody finds that code book, I wanna read it! Until then I'm just waiting for you contributions to explain the social code!